I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
