Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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