Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
