the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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