Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
