Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
