You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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