Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your penis caused this!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
