I wanna passion pit in your ass
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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