Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
