Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
