come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
