So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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