Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
