I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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