I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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