Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
