When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
