So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
