I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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