as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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