There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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