where does the pee come out of this thing
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We need a shit load of segways right now
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
