I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
