I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Randomize
