Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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