im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
