you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
