Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
