Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
