Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
