I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
