sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
