You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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