I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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