dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
