I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
