I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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