Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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