My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
