in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
