Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
