I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
