My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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