woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
