I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
