You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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