We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
