the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
