Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
