I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
